Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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