Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
