I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
