I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
