I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
