So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
