There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
