listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
