i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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