if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
i think my cat just said my name.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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