Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
