I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize