Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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