I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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