im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
