i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
