i already hear my dad disowning me
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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