You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Edward fifth and chaser hands
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
