I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
