Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize