he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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