We named our party play list daddy issues
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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