i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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