You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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