I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
