I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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