After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
