Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
