i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i think i have herpe
just one?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
