Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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