Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
