i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Never joke about your clitoris.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
