like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
