I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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