Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the condom got lost in my hair
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Randomize
