my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
