Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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