I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
How's work?
Spinning.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
