Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
