I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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