We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
