why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
