he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
