Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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