im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
