thus making me awesome and them whores
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
