Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
