Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize