is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
