You made me cry and you don't even care
another moral hangover. fuck.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Randomize
