wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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