I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
worst night to have a conscience
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
