I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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