every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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