Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
