don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
