Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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