forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
