I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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