The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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