I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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