she looked like the before picture.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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