Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
